I define a "tantrum" as inappropriate behavior or attitude that serves a purpose; in other words, it's a learned form of emotional manipulation. A "tantrum" only occurs if there is "someone" who allows themselves to be emotionally manipulated. Thus, tantrums are strategies used to avoid doing or saying something or to simply get what one wants.
There are two types of tantrums:
- Active tantrums: These include outbursts of anger, shouting, throwing objects, insulting, belittling, defiance, and physical aggression.
- Passive tantrums: These manifest as not responding, sulking, ignoring, not greeting, lying, or refusing to comply.
A tantrum will eventually lose its power when the child realizes that their strategy isn't effective, leading them to decide not to use it again.
The consistency of adults is crucial in extinguishing these inappropriate behaviors and attitudes. Here are some suggested steps to extinguish a tantrum:
- Identify the "tantrum."
- Recognize the adult who is susceptible to emotional manipulation, i.e., determine who the tantrum works on.
- Avoid negotiating during a tantrum, as it reinforces inappropriate behavior; the child will be likely to use it again later.
- Exercise patience. Calmly repeat your instructions, clarify expectations, and wait until the child stops the disruptive behavior. The goal is to appeal to their self-control and willpower.
- Do not undermine the intervening person; instead, support them and await their guidance.
It generally takes approximately 45 minutes to extinguish the initial tantrum, as the child tests the adult's consistency. They are likely to attempt it again, but if they fail to achieve their desired outcome, they learn that their strategy is ineffective.
Extinguishing a tantrum is not synonymous with negotiating.
Extinction occurs when a child decides not to continue a behavior because they don't achieve their goal, whereas negotiation implies offering “something in return,” allowing the same strategy to be employed later. An example of negotiation would be: "If you behave well, I’ll buy you a toy."
